A Year

January 27, 2016 at 2:51 a.m. my husband will have been dead one year.

Never would I have imagined writing those words.  Never would I have imagined how difficult it would be to survive without him.  But survive I have done.  Sheer will and the strength of the love I had for him has given me the fortitude to muddle on this past year.

Whenever things got tough, whenever I felt like giving up, whenever I just wanted to stop….I thought of Doug and his unending faith in me.  I have been so fortunate to have been loved so well by such an amazing man.

I haven’t written for quite awhile.  After starting this blog, I began to feel too vulnerable to continue writing.  However, I’m ready to step out again and allow myself to openly share my raw feelings of grief.    One of the things that I believe so fiercely is that we must be willing to share our difficult times and our painful feelings.  Grief is unimaginable to those who haven’t felt it.  I know that I never understood until it happened to me how one could be crippled by grief.  It has changed my outlook forever and changed how I function in the world.  I am much more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt now.  That driver who cut me off in traffic …..perhaps they are rushing to the bedside of their loved one.  That person in the grocery store in the express line with a cart full of groceries ….perhaps they are too distracted to realize what they have done.  That person taking too much time….perhaps it’s all they could do to get themselves out of bed in the morning.  I wish I didn’t understand but now I do.

I’m hoping that by sharing this past year and going forward that I can bring a little light into the world.  Doug would like that.  He was such a good man.

Let me tell you about him.  I don’t think I have in this blog.  First, he had the most beautiful pair of blue eyes you’ve ever seen.  Those eyes were full of intelligence and humor and when he looked at me more love than I could have imagined before knowing him.  He was smart.  Perhaps the smartest person I’ve ever known.  He was fair.  He was a hard worker.  He brought me coffee in bed every single morning even though he wasn’t a morning person.  He still continues to influence how I live my life.  If I have thrived, and people say I have, it’s because of him.  It’s because I want him to be proud of me.

Doug and I genuinely liked each other.  We loved being in each others company. We could talk for hours even after being together thirty years.

Doug loved the way I play piano.  In fact the morning that he went into the hospital he laid down on the sofa in my studio to listen to me practice.

Any friend of mine was a friend of his and I cannot remember how many times a friend would be in need and I asked Doug to help them.  He always said “yes.”

My mother said at his memorial service that Doug was more of a son to her than her biological son.  She was right.  He was such a good man.  I keep coming back to that because it’s true and bears repeating.

And so as to not make him into a saint….he left an office filled with, no other way to say it, crap.  A workshop so full it was hard to walk in.  He was that kind of genius / artist that didn’t seem to mind how things accrued around him.  I’ve spent the year clearing things out and I still can’t find the safety deposit key nor do I know what’s in the box.  I can see him looking sheepish as I write this and it actually makes me smile.

I have been incredibly lucky to be gifted with an amazing group of people in my life.  From students to their parents to  friends, colleagues and to musicians I work with …..I am astonished at the generosity and love that has been showered upon me.  The word “blessed” is so overused that I hesitate to say it but say it I must.  I have been blessed.

This certainly has been quite the detour. I’m still stumbling around seeing where my new map will take me.  Come, go with me on this new adventure.