When I began this blog, I had intended to be a regular poster. Life, I guess, got in the way.
Almost a year since I posted! And what a year it’s been. Last time I was here, I told you about developing a new relationship. At the time, I was giddy with love and hope for the future.
I was naive. Very naive. I had no idea how difficult it would be to begin a serious relationship with another person after being married for 30 years. And I didn’t realize that, until a kind therapist pointed it out to me.
I floundered. I sputtered. I became angry when new man didn’t say “hello” to me the same way Doug did. You may laugh. I do. For the second half of 2016, I felt as if I had tumbled down the rabbit hole. Are things up or down? Spinning or staying still? Am I really floating because that’s what it felt like.
New emotions seemed to hit almost daily and I went around feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. Lots of people were happy that I had found love again. Then again, I lost friends. Friends who judged me for starting a new life. It was very painful and is painful still.
And all the time those people were judging me, I was lost. Lost in a world of feelings that were not familiar and struggling to find new ways to communicate with a person who is very different from the one I spent 30 years with. And, at the same time I was experiencing all the new, I was still grieving for Doug and our old life together. The safe life that I knew so well. It’s a testament to the love this darling man has for me that he has been able to withstand some of the ups and downs and remain committed to our relationship.
I walled myself off from friends who had been so kind and supportive to me during the year after Doug’s death. I think they might have thought that it was because I was so busy with my new life but in actuality, I was at a loss to explain my feelings so I just kept to myself, except for a couple very close friends.
So, this is where I am. Navigating, negotiating, and settling in for the long haul, knowing there will be detours along the way but also many beautiful and breathtaking views.
I’m wondering….have you experienced discomfort in newness? Unease when you should be happy? What are your experiences?
sudden detour 