Yesterday was the 7th month anniversary (I need to think of a better word – anniversary implies a joyous day) of Doug’s death. People keep telling me it will get better but that’s not what I’m finding. Or, perhaps I should say I’m finding myself on a roller coaster ride – still.
When I returned from my trip, I felt fresh and new. I felt like, perhaps, I had turned a corner and things would start looking up. I had gotten to the top of the hill but, unfortunately, found myself heading back down, almost at breakneck speed. Today, I miss him more than ever and I’m afraid I’m turning into a needy, clingy person that no one wants to be around.
People say “I’m thinking of you.” Or “I’m holding you in my heart.” Or “I’m praying for you.” And I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. I do. They don’t help me with the loneliness, though, and I’m so tired of being the one to reach out and call people. I want that old happy relationship that I had. I want my friend and partner back. I want someone to care that I get home safe. I want someone to hang out with me just because we love being together. I want someone to miss me.
People survive the loss of their loves. I know they do. I think people even become happy again. I’m holding out hope, still.
sudden detour 
Debbie, the return brings reminders. Bound to be a downer. You probably HAVE taken another step up, just doesn’t feel like that just now. I’m reaching out. I am here. Contact me if you wish. I would love to hear from you but don’t want to impose! Text, call, email. Really. I still miss him awfully, too!!
LikeLike
Having someone at home to know whether you get there safely or not is a real issue. When I think of all the horrible driving conditions I went through when I was commuting to teach on the Crow Indian Reservation, I know I couldn’t do it now, with no one there. And I just passed a 3 year “anniversary.” Interesting that you mentioned the word “needy.” I had someone unfriend me because he thought I was too needy. I think what he really meant was that I was not successful or wealthy enough for his current taste. This was a former teacher, whom I thought I could contact for a question regarding students, etc. Apparently not. This is someone that all of us either know, or know of, and I could trash him so badly on FB it would make his head spin. I have a mental file of all the other people who thinks he cares for them, with the negative comments he made about them to me when we were still “friends.” I won’t do that, of course, and he is the only person who has done this to me. So in general, I think we only appear “needy” to people who have all they could possibly want, and have no room for compassion in their hearts, or who have no room for people who can’t fill their days with positive platitudes. I digressed from your situation. Unfortunately, I can’t really give you that much reassurance about the future. There will be times when the grief is not close to the top of your consciousness, but there will always be triggers that bring it back. I have reached the point where I can now watch the old VHS tapes we made of our travels, etc. without breaking down–in fact they are comforting sometimes. So, certain things will change, but we have gone through life-changing events, and our lives will continue to be changed. Keep writing–it helps me too.
LikeLike