When I began this blog, I had intended to be a regular poster. Life, I guess, got in the way.
Almost a year since I posted! And what a year it’s been. Last time I was here, I told you about developing a new relationship. At the time, I was giddy with love and hope for the future.
I was naive. Very naive. I had no idea how difficult it would be to begin a serious relationship with another person after being married for 30 years. And I didn’t realize that, until a kind therapist pointed it out to me.
I floundered. I sputtered. I became angry when new man didn’t say “hello” to me the same way Doug did. You may laugh. I do. For the second half of 2016, I felt as if I had tumbled down the rabbit hole. Are things up or down? Spinning or staying still? Am I really floating because that’s what it felt like.
New emotions seemed to hit almost daily and I went around feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. Lots of people were happy that I had found love again. Then again, I lost friends. Friends who judged me for starting a new life. It was very painful and is painful still.
And all the time those people were judging me, I was lost. Lost in a world of feelings that were not familiar and struggling to find new ways to communicate with a person who is very different from the one I spent 30 years with. And, at the same time I was experiencing all the new, I was still grieving for Doug and our old life together. The safe life that I knew so well. It’s a testament to the love this darling man has for me that he has been able to withstand some of the ups and downs and remain committed to our relationship.
I walled myself off from friends who had been so kind and supportive to me during the year after Doug’s death. I think they might have thought that it was because I was so busy with my new life but in actuality, I was at a loss to explain my feelings so I just kept to myself, except for a couple very close friends.
So, this is where I am. Navigating, negotiating, and settling in for the long haul, knowing there will be detours along the way but also many beautiful and breathtaking views.
I’m wondering….have you experienced discomfort in newness? Unease when you should be happy? What are your experiences?
sudden detour 
This is lovely! You are being very brave to talk about these changes in your life. Good for you!
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Deborah, Sending you love and hugs! This was so lovely……….
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Isn’t it amazing how the heart can feel such conflicting emotions at the same time? I love how you described it in this post. It makes me recall how after my mom had died I also walked myself off from people. I had made a decision to start a new job and everyone wanted to support me and be happy for me. Even though I was excited there was also a very large part of me sad. Not just sad that mom was gone but sad that I was starting something new without her. The “grieving period” was coming to the point of moving forward and it was another reminder that she would never be here with me on this plane again. It was a very jumbled bag of emotions that I couldn’t understand at the time let alone explain to anyone else. I look forward to your next post
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((((((((Hug)))))))
I can only imagine what you are going through. If my husband or any other close family members suddenly die, how do I get over it so quickly? I don’t. I can’t. I was surprised and happy to read that you’ve found a new love. All I can say is that you should do what you need to do, Deborah. No one should judge you. Right now the most important person in your life is YOU. Keep friends around you all the time. Reach out. And heal. It might take a while.
When I had a difficult time, teaching always made me feel better. Setting a goal for my students, planning and working towards it, always has given me a purpose and a much needed distraction.
Everything will be OK.
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I am glad you are sharing. I take a singleness of mind and Purpose, and as I know personally is not easy so to do. But, by sharing you allow us, your readers and friends to enjoin with you in your process. Not to Violate it, but rather, to understand and be sensitive. Those of us from the Judaeo-Christian Tradition are given cause to pray for you and the process and the healing that time may afford you. It has only been 6 months and 2 days since My Father entered the Eternal, I cry, even to the point of rending my very best shirt recently after attending he funeral of one of my late Father friends. I keep the same shirt torn so s to use it again if need be, so as not to cause waste. We are here out in the world, upholding you in Sirit and Prayer. Like the Pillars of the Temple, we stand not too close, but, just far enough away to give the great strength to you, as you, ask or require. Blessing for living intentionally and allowing us to journey with you Stevie
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I can only tell you when I thought I was interested in a new relationship, I was not. It’s been 4 years since Robert passed. I don’t know that there will be anyone out there who can love me the way he does. I say does because love is love, even while he is there and I am here.
Nina
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